Angels.

Here comes another December.

The new year is just around the corner. 

A seemed long yet short break is going to bring my Year 2011 into history.

Well till now, I'm still lost. 

I hate myself sometimes, for the vanished determination and perseverance.

It makes me lose sight of my future. 

My current attitude is peeling off the bright side of it.

Gazing at the lunar eclipse, together with my dear roommate Miss Phan and her family,

I could see the emptiness and helplessness in myself.

I feel like crying out from the weak pumping heart.

Somehow, the warmth of family strong bond keeps me awake from my dream. 

I have been admiring the 'woman' since I first got to know her and be friends with.

What she talks is making great sense, straight away darts the words into my heart.

Am I an admirer of yours? *Nodding*

Yes yes! I adore you my dear friend, who has the maturity of an old woman. 

I have you at either easy or hard times. I really appreciate it. 

We go for the same dream, but I know the truth. 

You can always do much better than I. 

Perhaps, I am lucky enough. 

It seems like, now I have everything, everything that you've been longing for.

Nonetheless, I believe you will be more successful. Trust me. ;)

If I am going to describe you in a word. 

It would be : Confidence. You are the icon for it babe. 

This is also another inner quality of yours which shows your beauty from inside out. 

As always, I try to learn from you. 

For being capable, independent and thoughtful.

I'm still working on it anyway. 

I finally dated her after... half a year?

This girl looked gorgeous! She wore a red dress and painted her toenails red too!
A little apology for not wearing pretty outfits. Felt bad to disappoint her.
Glad to see her now talking and smiling with happiness as well as contentment.
Thank god, I would like to pray the best for my angelic idol.


Here, my love for her, my love for all of them.

"You are my sunshine my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

That's me.

People say I have changed. Meaning, different from the one they first know.
In appearance, and personalities.

Well, here's a brief clear up for the misunderstanding.

I'm trying my best to make those changes.
What they see now might probably not my true colours?
Pretending somebody else is tiring at times.

I think I understand myself more than they do.
To be honest, I love being the quiet, polite, the original me.

Due to the condition I am under currently, I have to.
God knows that I am supposed to improve myself.
I sometimes wonder, am I heading the right way?

I am like a helium balloon, floating in the air, up to the unlimited sky.
If a lightning strikes me, I will burst and vanish.

魔掌

他是恶魔  还是天使

暂时  她只能用‘矛盾’来形容

到底她和他是有着不寻常的关系  或只是普通朋友

明明所有的话语  举动  就像情侣的互动

但是  他们朋友之间  无论男或女  都以这样的方式沟通

似乎他和她是两个不同世界的人

怎么容得进对方的生活圈子

而距离是一大难题  需要的是彼此的十分信任

加上各有各的忙

偶尔  那所谓的打情骂俏  

带来的是信心  也是不安

试着渐渐疏远  学习放手  却依然情不自禁

怎么逃离他的魔掌  让自己好过一点

其实  她知道的  她知道这是不舍  

The Monster Ball. The Prom Night.

This was the night.

The night that everyone of us was dressed to the nines!

Before the event began, I thought it would not be as awesome as what I expected. 

Life is nevertheless, full of surprises. 

When I first stepped into the hall, I was amazed!

The decorations were original and creative.

Well I believed that the credits were given to our dear Architecture friends 

- Ronald, Un, and other Ausmatians...

The atmosphere of the night was really mysterious and different from normal prom.

Although the actual performance was not good enough and it was even worse than the previous practice,

I still enjoyed what we've done tonight. :)

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright..."

This melody marked me the end of this young night! Lovely. 

Silence is golden.

I would rather shut my mouth up. 

It saves my breath and energy. 

Kaythxbye. 

This is what I want!

I felt like we were leaping for joy!

Today was way too awesome!

Words couldn't describe how I felt!

It's such a pity that I didn't join Ice-skating

but everything was filled with fun!

Steamboat buffet was one of the best moments.

We were like a big family!

I really loved the time when we got together.

Did you notice that, I kept smiling the whole night? :)

All the joy...

This is it, this is what we need during college year.

I'm starting to love you guys.

Thanks for bringing so much laughter 

into my shitty life today (exclude those times being with you guys)!

The Driver.

The night's still young.
Dated with a handsome guy.
Went out for a tea.
Or supper? T.T
It's worth the failure of on-diet nevertheless.

Chilling with a talkative friend who's cute and interesting,
who's caring and generous,
unexpected at first.
Surprisingly, we talked very naturally,
even without Miss Lee (FYI, she's my mom.) and other Sds staffs around!

I have been longing to have an elder brother, got the feel tonight :)
A little meet-up with my kind 'driver' let me unwind for a moment.
You're such a nice guy buddy.
Meisan is not 'pretty' enough for you.
I know that's just a sweet sarcasm. ;)

You guys are perfect match!
Keep it up man! 

Move on!

Well, I deserve it as I didn't try my best. 

I'm thinking of calling my mom. 

But I know the words that will be coming out from her mouth.

'You always didn't do very well in the first exams last time. I'm sure you'll do much better in this semester.'

Err... Okay. 

This is a different case now. The score is going to be accumulated. 

Everything will be taken into account. 

See that, this is what I've been worrying about since the beginning of the course.

Despite the disappointment, you know that I will not give up on it. 

I am an optimist after all. 

Let's let bygone be bygone. 

I'll put on more effort. And let God decides who will I be in the coming days.

Just like what our real man said : 船到桥头自然直. Keep it up! 

Record broken!

Date: 9th November 2011

Time: 1.30 pm

Place: Redbox in The Curve

A little outing with Mok, XinZhe, Justine & Felicia.

This time was a bit different. With some fresh friends in KL. 

Surprisingly, things were out of my expectation! 

Everyone of us was enjoying I supposed. 

Well, even the quiet ACS girl Felicia also sang with us! :)

We sang for 7 hours continuously! 

Yeah I know, incredible. OngLiYin said that I was crazy. 

Oh I liked that. Hahaha. It's not easy for me to get crazy you know darling? 

Countless songs were chosen. And I believed that our ears do not function well after that.

It was quite unbelievable that there was no boring moments at all. 

We almost sang our lungs out! 

I was really happy & contented on that day.

First time, I sang so many Leehom's songs in Redbox. 

And finally, I gotta hear a guy's voice singing all those Leehom's songs!

I sincerely wanna thank Mr XinZhe. ;)

As I always prefer a guy to sing them instead of me myself. 

Besides, we got to duet. A lot of Duet songs... Cooooooooool!

Hello singing kakis, there will be a Next Time for sure. Promise! 

It's no more about luck.

I am worried. I cannot deny.

Things are done. The results are fixed.

People always say, 

'The outcome is not important, what matters most is the process, and the lesson learnt.'

True. But this time, the outcome cannot be put aside, as it leads me down the future-pathway-to-go.

I am now just in the middle of it. 

Should I be happy or upset over it if it all turns out something out of expectation?

The moment of truth will be revealed soon. 

Let's see whether or not I need a shoulder tomorrow.

God bless me. God bless us. 

We are who we are.

No one has control over your life.

But you. YOU LIGHT UP YOUR OWN LIFE. :)

I don't fly.

United Kingdom, United States, Australia, Japan, Germany, Russia...

People are flying to different countries. 

Far from home.

Well yes. 

I envy them. Very much. 

Sighs. 

Why am I staying? 

Why can't I fly, too? 

Is this my destiny? 

Sorry, I know it sounds a little too serious to say that. 

I just spout nonsense here. 

This is life. Isn't it? 

Not everyone has the opportunity like others. 

Not everyone is lucky enough to go overseas. 

But God loves His child. With the same amount of love. 

No one gets more. Or less. 

Just that you're gifted in different aspects in life. 

You might have the chance to fly. To soar above your own sky. 

Life's hard. And yet, it's full of surprises. 

Think in the other way round. 

Think of what you have. Not what you don't have.

The Dream from the subconscious.

'' Mouthed an OMG just after I woke up from a nap.

Couldn't believe I would dream about you in such a short while.

Unbelieveable man.

How I wished it to be true.

If you were to appear just right in front of me.

As I realized that I have been missing you so so much.

Thanks. Well, you made me smile after so long.

In my dream.

For now, I am awake. :) ''

How I wish to see you.

Even though I don't know what do you think about us.

We are friends. Long lost friends.

When will you be coming back. I wonder.

Would you come to me right after you land.

Like what you've promised me,

' Wait for me. I will come back. Stay single till then. ' 

Who knows. She may STILL be your one and only tuxedo. First love.

And I am just a T-shirt. Or a rag. The second official date girl.

Hahaha. Anyway.

You will still be missed. As always.

I thank you for the little sweetness in my dream.

Mouthed an OMG just after I woke up from a nap.
Couldn't believe I would dream about you in such a short while.
Unbelieveable man.
How I wished it to be true.
If you were to appear just right in front of me.
As I realized that I have been missing you so so much.

Thanks. Well, you made me smile after so long.
In my dream.
For now, I am awake. :)

Gap.

Things seem complicated sometimes. 

Somebody told me, ' Life goes on.'

But who knows, you may not see the sun tomorrow? 

It has been a few busy weeks with massive workload. 

Well. At least I saw a rainbow. A little sweetness in the bitter soup.

A contented life is not bad at all. Just that I really need some sleep and time. 

God takes good care of me. I know that. 

Everyone is giving me encouragement. What brings you power is friends. Be it old or new ones.

Did a lot of presentations these days. It's tiring but somehow satisfying, if you've done well. 

It's now October. Anybody wanna go back to September? Taylor Swift would be the only one?

Exam's around the corner. 

I am still the Carmen that you know. I WANNA CHANGE. 

Where to get motivation from? 

Today, I almost have forgotten what I desire. 

Here's a warm reminder for you guys : 

' Dreams are meant to be reached.' 

I understand, however, reality always disappoints us. 

Life sucks. And what matters most is LIVING. 

:(

What?
I just wanna go home. I feel so lonely now.
Helpless. Miss my buddies.
I need you.
Beruas, the best harbour ever.
I wanna go home.

;(

The Cycle.

Heard that my buddy's mom had just passed away. 

She had cancer. 

Auntie was a good person to me.

Despite the rumours, I still like her very much. 

How homie when I went to their place,

she'd invite me to drop by again.

She witnessed my growing-up. Together with his son. 

Her sudden death shocked me. It was so unexpected.

I still cannot believe that auntie had gone. I cannot see her anymore. Sigh.

Did she go with peace?

My dear must be really sad now. How am I going to console him? 

I don't know what to say. I don't want to spout nonsense and hurt his broken heart.

Goodness, I WANNA GIVE HIM A BIG HUG :( 

My father's best buddy also was dead years ago. Cancer too.

He was back to God,

leaving his wife alone with their son and daughter. 

Life doesn't really suck.

At least my 'mother-in-law' still has the filial children's company.

Plus, there is a newborn baby now.

God gives you something more precious in return when you experience a great loss.

Can you ever imagine that the goodbye you say may be the last word told to a person?

It is admittedly undeniable that,

death is the most heart-aching news than anything else. 

You can do nothing but accept the reality that your loved one has left.

You need to let go 

and move on with your new life without him or her.

If life is so short, why are you trying to hold back? 

Follow your heart and do the things that you want to.

GO AHEAD my friends.

Child of God.

Hello the Child of God,

I always believe that we all have the blessings from Him.

Every single thing in life is a gift.

We are born to face the sweet and bitter events happen

before we live our next life.

I am looking for what am I heading to. What about you?

Do you sometimes feel lost of aim to live?

Why are you here reading my post?

Why are you doing the work on hand now? 

Things that we do are actually the missions given by God.

I am often afraid that I cannot achieve the set-goals.

The main problem right under my nose is about my academic performance.

Well, I was over the moon when being offered the scholarships

which everyone dreamed for. 

But I am NOT secured a whole offer till degree levels.

What now?

Things are getting more complicated and beyond my control.

The story to be told in the future

may be different from the previous version.

How? Can I do it?

I need your advice. Someone please talk some sense into me.  

In various ways...

The darling buds of God are always being loved.

Follow MY rules.

Why don't you do it in my way?
Each time, your manner make me frustrated.
Although I'm born in this way too, I know what is better and what benefits.
Why wouldn't you teach me the right attitude?
I'm so sorry that I have to say that.
But I truly hope that we can be more efficient.

Moonlight Shadow

The warmest night in BU.

Dinner at guys' place. 

Spaghetti with Prego & tomato sauce & mozarella cheese 

(thanks to Darren and... those who helped to cook), 

siewmai from Sibu, kuih Ah Kok?! from Kelantan

(credits to Gordon and Un! Haha)

  

We then had a little fun with lanterns and candles at late night.

It was such a wet blanket 

as when we were starting to enjoy the full moon view at the park

the security guards came to chase us out. 

12 am! Time's up for fun! 

Great.

We've got the chance to be Cinderella.

Adventurous indeed. 

Kept everything and headed to girls' house.

Mooncake fest. 

Another supper in this week. 

I don't think I can fit in the bridesmaid's gown on Juanes wedding dinner.

All of us were quite united tonight.

Awesome! 

We rocked the way! 

It was a good time for everyone of us to get closer,

to strengthen the friendship bond. 

Guys were hilarious sometimes.

But Prince Ronald wasn't enjoying the moments. 

Of course, left home on Mid-Autumn Festival. 

Understood.

There was a little surprise : Kah Nian's arrival.

He finally joined us. 

Perhaps the comments on the card worked.

We were here. Everyone involved.

Hey FIS, stay in ONE CLASS. 

Unity.

Trust. Believe.

It is hard to gain a person's trust. 

Therefore please appreciate the one who trusts you.

You don't take them for granted,

as once you lose their confidence in you,

you lose someone's love too.

You can be the best. And the worst.

However, 

in your loved ones' eyes,

you're always outstanding.

Believe & have faith in yourself.

You can do it.

;)

Once a friend, forever a friend.

ONCE A FRIEND, FOREVER A FRIEND.

This is Carmen's Principle.

Dear friends,

I won't let you down. 

Although we're apart, 

our friendship will sail the deepest ocean and overcome the physical distance between us. 

You're always on my mind, in the bottom of my heart.

So just cast aside your worries. 

A heart-warming lunch with friends was simply amazing!  

' It doesn't seem that you've left here for quite a while.' 

' Yeah babe. I'll still give you the same Carmen even after I leave for very long time. That's me! '

We took loads of pictures, Non-stop. Girl power! :)

Well, I believed our craziness flooded the whole restaurant. 

Their green tea must be running out of stock after we dined. Haha. 

I hugged everyone today I supposed?

Claim your hug from me if you didn't have one.  

Hey, I know you guys really love me. I know that.

I love you too. 

I'm having a great life there. No one bullies me. 

Since high school, you've been protecting your mommy, me, from bad things.

But now, I'm no more under your wings. I'll take care of myself. 

You guys also understand me. See, I am independent. 

Best moments. Girls' talk. Chit-chatting is always enjoyable. 

' Carmen, any admirer? '

' Nope. Lol.'

' What? Seriously? I can't believe it.'

I think girls like me more. Haha. Thank you Ong Liyin for the confidence given. 

I know you love me too, very much. :)

Cherry Bang. 

Shall I show you some pictures? 

Here we are again! 

The Loud Speaker. We almost sang our lungs out.

The Cherry Bang. 

Precious time. 

We all miss the really old times. 

Looking back to the past is just to remind us to appreciate.

Moving forward into the future is what makes our friendship more strengthened. 

The cherries! My adorable sisters!

Carmen, remember?

Life goes on.

Her presence.

It's kinda unfair when somebody you know doesn't even notice your presence in this world.
Small world, small world.

Do you ever stalk your friends and realize that their friends are one of yours too?
I like that phenomenon. It's like a drama scene.
Everything can be such a coincidence. Or perhaps. It's the job of Fate The Show Director.

Make full use of your imagination. I do this every moment in my life.
Thinking there might be someone you know or close to walk by your side when you squeeze through the crowd down the street.
I can always feel that. And I 'm actually an idiot. 
What I do is 'cute' in a better word.
As I believe that I may meet a friend anywhere in this world. I will turn over my shoulder to look around.
Ah! I can recognize no one here. Sigh. Disappointed once again.

I would like to meet her personally if I'm given a chance.
High expectations never bring you satisfaction.
But I really look forward to be friend or sister with this lady.

Maybe this is wishful thinking. Probably mindless dreaming...

Hello Stranger. :)

Love to be loved.

Hug me into your embrace. 

For how long you never hold me in your arms? 

Please. 

Stand by me when I need you.

I don't take you for granted. 

Appreciation is the belief that I hold.

My mind is all about you.  

I love you. 

And I love to be loved by YOU. 

The Icon Night.

Many wearing baju kurung, some wearing formal attire and some with 'the night gowns.'
I was dressed up in black tonight. Another OL look.

Things are changing for the better... or worse?
No idea. Doing some self-reflection after the function.
Am I changing too much these days?
How? I don't know whether I like the Carmen nowadays or not.
If I dislike her, I can still turn back everything and leave them stay as normal as they could.
Or else, it will be irreversible for the next six years... Perhaps, for decades.

Scandals are spreading around the college now.
Darren & Mei... Sze Yuan & Mok... :)
Me and Ya Theng...?!! As what did Kah Nian said, the newlywed Lesbians couple. HAHA! Lol =.="
Anyway, loads of fun indeed!
It was an awesome night after all. Fantastic!

I don't want to talk about it.

I miss their voices and smiles and hugs.
There was a text from one of my best friends. 

It was a very long message from her. 

I supposed to be quite normal at the moment, but she made me so touched and put me into a state of Emo. 

A friend in need is a friend indeed. So true.
Sometimes, I'll think too much nonsense. But I can have no control over my mind. 

I know I'm doing something silly. But I somehow enjoy the way you tried to make me miss you.
Gonna make it a full stop. A complete ending for the story.
It's really good to see you having an awesome life now, with handsome dudes and pretty girls.
Jealousy is killing me! Live to the fullest on behalf of me too! :)

WHAT?!!

What's wrong with you?
What is happening?
What is this all about?
What are you doing?
What's with the face?
What's the matter?
What is what? WHAT???

Tell me What!
Ugh. Whatever.

SMILE. :)

Smile. The BEST make up on your face.
Carmen's friends all know, that she likes to smile.
Yeah. Indeed.
In fact, everyone looks attractive when he or she smiles.
To me, staying cheerful is the way other than music to live my life to the fullest!
I love people to make me laugh.
The reason why. Is that I love to listen to my own laughter.
Insane me. Haha.
Cause I will feel great by doing so especially when I have a bad day.

But I know.
I will lose my smile someday.
I will become very ugly without my best make up on.
Despite the challenges and hardships in the coming days, that I cannot foretell,
I will try my very best to keep my smile. The classic one. :)
I will seek for you, my friends, who can always cheer me up in just a second.
As you are the BEST make up kit for me.

Smile is the happiness. :)

Speechless.

Someone loves to do that to me. Through a long distance. 

I can smile or even laugh with the speechlessness. 

I like it though. :)

Men will not find themselves a higher status wife. 

We discussed about this topic today. After the lab.

It's very true. Same point of view.

If I were a boy, for sure, it'd be a NoNo for a girl who is stronger or more capable than me. 

Question of the day : Is pride really that important for guys? YES! Of course!! 

Anybody here wants a doctor wife? Come come come. 

I've got a lot of female doctors to be introduced to you. Lol.

There might be some exceptions. Mr Kisiao. 

(Xiang, I guess only you can get what I wanna tell) 

Surprisingly, he doesn't mind his wife being a doctor! He even planned everything. As if his wife is The....Lia. 

What a weird friend I have. Or outstanding one. 

I miss you making me speechless. How?  :)

Tears.

Sometimes, tears are the only magic potion which can make you feel better when you are down.
With time, your heart heals.

The Third Me.

18 years. It's a little life journey of mine.

Beruas, Perak --> JB, Johor --> Petaling Jaya, KL

And sooner or later, Bukit Jalil. 

Every chapter of my story. You can see a different me. 

I make changes in myself. 

From the very beginning, I had been Jiawen for 12 years. The most outstanding years. 

Till now, she's the best me I suppose. And she will always be. I miss her so badly.

How I wish that I could turn back time. Return to the original me. 

But we know. Once the time has slipped through, we can only do nothing.

Childhood memories. They live in our hearts. 

High school time. I am Carmen. Sigh. I don't know what to say.  

Nothing happened. What most rewarding was all about Cherry Bang and good friends in SSI. 

You girls are always the best babe :)

Every touching moment was spent with you. 

When people ask about my high school life, nothing else. Everyone of you will come across my mind. 

I understand how much do you love me. 

I'm a young Mom. Haha. HOT-blooded by nature. Always give warm.
People sometimes think that I'm weak. 

I remembered some of them asked me to be strong. Lol. I am tough enough okay...  

A good listener. Perhaps the best among all? 

I smile when you smile. I cry when you cry. I laugh when you laugh. 

Music with Cherry Bang was unforgettable. Remember our first song? Remarkable indeed.

I think I should call myself a transformer. Lol.
How many times do I need to change? I wonder.
Stepping into college life creates another Carmen.
Goodness. I have split personalities! Haha. Abnormal.
A different Carmen. It takes time for me to describe her.
Hopefully, the changes would be something better.
Frankly speaking, my friends make who I am instead of my parents.
So. Future doctors, please shape me into a better Carmen :)
I'll be very grateful about that. Haha. Thank you in advance!

Lots love,
Carmen. 

Temptations.

All of those are false hope. 

I'm so very sorry. 

It's over now. 

This sky doesn't own a significant place in your heart. 

Goodbye. 

I Give up. I Give in.  

I'll try to soar in my own way. In my sky. :)

Comrades.

Here, another chapter of my life. Meeting with new friends in college. So.  

I'm gonna talk about some of them who's with very cute and strong personalities. 

Sometimes, I feel that there are few have a resemblance with people I know. Familiar and warm. 

I find my housemates here are mostly kind and easygoing. Helpful. Generous at the same time. 

There is a girl. Yeah. Repeated sentence : She's sometimes crazy. I have fun being with her. 

Talkative and excited all the while. Caring and considerate. 

It seems like we share a lot of common habits. 

We're possibly having some kind of connection in minds or thoughts.

I know what she thinks about and she knows mine too. 

We don't have to talk. Just one glance. That's all. We get it. 

Now, another interesting person to be introduced to you. 

The star in our class. It's a He. And finally. 

After high school years, I get to know more boyfriends. I mean male friends. 

This guy makes so much fun during the lessons. Especially when he imitates our lecturers. 

He dares to act in front of us! Can't stop laughing when looking at his imitation. HAHA.

Most importantly, he sings! Great. And I gotta say this. He sings undeniably well. 

Very luckily, he's not an arrogant banana. Yeah. Banana. 

I don't know. I guess he likes to be friends with girls. 

I must admit that he's superb. Talented. Knowledgeable.

Great sense of humor he has. And now, he starts telling dirty jokes. 

Hmm. We can become good friends. 

Other than that, there are still many different people I meet. 

Everyone is so special. I'm gonna explore all their characteristics. 

Learning to study people. 

Human. The most complex organisms on Earth. 

Wind.

People nowadays tends to forget about what is life all about.

They don't walk under the moonlight.
No. They don't enjoy the cooling breeze.
Everything is in a rush.
Mankind. You should humanely learn to appreciate all that exist in this world.
Our home. The Earth.
Slow down your pace citizens. Stop and try to feel the gushing wind.
It blows smoothly through.
And gently, it leaves some warmth on your cheeks.
You wish to store it in a glass container. Fragile.
You couldn't keep it for long. As it will break. Especially when you hold it with extra care.
Grab it. But it will slip through your fingers.
So. What can you do to let it stay longer?
There's no way for that.
Just let it be natural. Let it be.
It touches your face like a mother does.
Tender. With love from the Earth.
Letting go is one of the ways to gain something.
You lose one. You gain one.

Guys,
It is always a balanced equation. :)

The Empty Heart

Someone left, again. 

And this time is totally a different situation. 

I'm sure that I'll be kinda emo these days or weeks... Especially when I'm in crowds.

Just came home from the orientation organised by the seniors of JPA scholars. 

It was supposed to be very fun. And exciting. With new friends around. Having some outdoor events.

But I have to admit that I'm not happy. I didn't smile and laugh from the bottom of my heart even people were telling jokes and making fun of others. 

I felt so empty. I know why. I know what brought me to the emo world which I seldom visit.  

I'm trying to convince myself that it's not because of the departure. IT IS because of you're growing up Carmen. You're facing the reality that you've got to be independent. 

When you care about somebody, you'll be over the moon if that person cares about you too.

Hold on. What if you're wrong? I learned this from my lecturer. And it seriously makes sense. "So what if you're wrong? SO WHAT?" 

Yeah, so what? I'm gonna wait for the 21st. And somebody could still follow MY drama. Lol. 

It really doesn't matter if you're wrong. Because it's always right to try. Seek for courage.  

Now, Carmen is in a new world to be explored. Haha.

I'm so sorry to my parents as I don't have homesick at all. Yes, I enjoy my life here. So far so good!

It's undeniable somehow, I miss you. Everyone of you. :)

We're gonna do our best in pursuing our dreams 

and lives we dream for.

To whom I love,

LIVE YOUR LIFE ALIVE !!

My beloved friends.

Everyone is leaving.

But it doesn't mean that our friendship has come to an end.

Once you're my intimate friend, you will always be.

This fact will never change.

Fortune Telling

I need to blog it here as a reminder in the future. Before I forget. 

What did the fortune teller said... 
" You're special. Rare. Very good in academic. Talented. Have bright career. Like Lee Kuan Yew. (What the?!) You're very hot by nature. Cause you're born on the day of the SUN. You're lack of water but you still can tahan even if you're dehydrated.

(Do I have the ability to be a DR?) Yes. You do. I encourage you to go for it. But. 有一好没二好. You mustn't get a bf as this would affect you. If you do, your career would fall. You eager for love. But must be patient. Or else, there will be broken relationship. One of the guy would show up when you're 21st. (How I wished it'd be him. The right one. But I have to reject. And would he wait for me?)

You used to ride bicycle and go around? You like to search things and stalk people on net. You want to learn something you love so badly. (Music) But you have no time and chance. You don't have a good eating habit. You eat bread more than rice. Sometimes even having biscuits only in a meal.

You're afraid of being alone. So you always like to hang out with friends. Having a lunch with them can simply make you happy for the whole day. (Tears streaming down at the moment. I didn't know why. Perhaps it's because friends are very important in my life.)

Your mom loves you more. You care about your mom too. You have a younger brother right? (OMG) He always ask you to buy things and complaint to your parents. =.= You spend a lot. You're kind but also bad-tempered sometimes. Treat friends better than own family.

Must be careful during Sept. Don't ride bike. You wanna change a new cellphone? (Huh? How did you know that?!! LOL) Don't waste too much of your parents' money. "

So you think that I'm superstitious? I'm moderate in superstition. 
Believe it or not. Stay positive. Be OPTIMISTIC. :)

I wish I don't care.

You care don't you? No. No way.
I'm not going to put myself into such a difficult situation.
Cause I know. I will be falling too deep. And everything will be out of MY control.
So, before it's too late, save yourself Carmen. From the trap.
You know what is going on and what will happen if you carry on with this.
There is no fairytale in this world. No more daydreaming.
Wake up! Wake up!

它，又来探望我了。

这次的刺痛令人担心
痛得我流泪
梁静茹真的唱中我的心声“会呼吸的痛”
哭着打给宋康雄
幸好他还有空理我
聊着聊着
痛楚慢慢的减退
感谢他和婷给的安慰及关心
突然间又开始烦脊椎的问题
我想   情况恶化了
但已来不及
被奖学金绑住
所以必须把这件事丢一旁
以后的生活又很忙碌
我该怎么办呢

First date

Yeah absolutely awesome.
Thanks to my mom and aunt for giving me the permission to go out with a guy =.=
This guy brought me to Sitiawan.
He's nice. Thoughtful. Mature.
Long lost friend indeed. Felt great meeting up with a friend after so many years.
We had dinner before going for movie. I didn't really like the movie part. Cause we couldn't talk. Lol.
Marina Island. Near Lumut? Or in Lumut? Lost direction. Love the environment there. And the silence.
It was a quiet place to have a chat.
And what did surprised me was that he told me about his stories.
"Honesty is the best policy." He wasn't lying I guess. It was unbelievable, that we could have heart to heart talk? It WAS a heart to heart talk, at least to me.
Surprisingly, I didn't feel uneasy when both of us kept quiet at times. The songs in his car made me relax. So, actually, I wasn't nervous sitting next to him. Comfortable. Maybe the reason was that I was still in Perak?
I didn't know how did he feel about his second official date. Better than the first one? Cause you hurt the girl, leaving a sad ending. And me. Ended up with a hug. Politely okay. Don't think too much CWX. Oh shit, my first hug too...
Anyway, a big 'thank you' to him. My mom gave me so many rings in a day. And calls from my aunt and cousins. What the heck?! I was happy about that? Lol.
Wish him luck in everything in Australia. Or perhaps, luck in knowing someone better than her?
It's alright that you're not a Christian. As long as you're a good guy. No worries man :)
First date, it's worth the little fight. No regrets.





Gentleman, thank you so much :)

Limits.

There are limits in doing everything.
Don't exceed the limits. Or you would ruin it all.
And you might put yourself into a difficult situation. Which you can't turn it back. Nor move forward.
Make sure that you do it moderately. Within the limits.
Crazy. Ugh. I need a psychiatrist now instead of psychologist.
Perhaps, I need ME myself more.

The Shirt.

" There is never a shirt that you love the most. Maybe you like the shirt, but it doesn't fit you, or you can't afford it. Sometimes, it's not us that choose the shirt. The shirt is the one that chooses you."
- Anonymous.
 
Impressive, as always.

I really love to listen to those who think about life, who talk some sense into me. :)
I'm thankful that most of my friends are mature and sensible. You guys are helpful. In all ways.
YOU GUYS ARE PERFECT TO ME. <3




P/s: Xiang, here's an update for your boring time. You don't have to make any comment since your broadband runs that fast. Haha. SMILE :)

范瑋琪 最重要的決定 HIGH QUALITY MV (完整版) [With Lyrics]

谁是你最重要的决定？ :)

Doctors.

When I'm on Facebook, there's a weird feeling. Nowadays.
Why? The reason is... I've added a lot of future doctors as friends!
See, it's kind of pressure when you know what you post will be read by them.
And they might look down on you if your opinion is childish. Lol.
Who cares? Me. Although I'm going to be a doctor, too.
And what if, I fail? Oh man. What the God Wants You To Know says always surprises me.
An irreversible step is what I need. I will have no turning back. But to carry on with perseverance.
Carmen... Carmen ah... Relax. You'll do fine. ( Sounds familiar =.= )
Kay. That's all for today. Cheer up... :(
CHEER UP CARMEN!!

My Ideal Wedding. :D

The idea of getting married comes to my mind lately. I know, it's too young for a 18-year-old little girl. But thinking of my career later, being a doctor, I might not even get a chance to marry a guy due to the hectic life of a doctor. So, I've been wondering how would my wedding look like in the future? Hmm. Romance. All the girls in the world love romance! Any objection girls? Some want beaches... Some want greenery... Some even want jungle! It's definitely not me. Goodness, no jungle! Haha :)

This was FanFan's wedding. Everything was so romantic. <3

Blissful is the word you can think about when we talk about marriage. It's not just a ceremony but a PROMISE between a husband and wife to build a family and go through the thin and thick together in whole lifetime. Or till the end of the world.

Dreams. Girls always do that. Daydreaming. Me, Carmen have to admit that being a wife and mother of one is the greatest career of a woman. I kept telling myself about that these days. No idea why I suddenly realized. Perhaps, because of the videos and pictures I looked through on Facebook. One more, the Royal Wedding that happened on April 29. That was a fairytale in reality! And my cousin, Juanes is going to get married, too, on September. Wish I could be one of her bridesmaids :)

Wow! LeeHom! If he shows up in my wedding... I may die of heart attack!!
Seriously!!! 

 

 

Till now, I don't know what I want for my wedding. Hmm. Roses. Piano. Wedding gown. Of course, there must be a bridegroom in a wedding. Could it be Leehom? Haha. Carmen, wait for your Mr Right. You'll meet him when true love comes.
Yeah, I'm waiting my dear. With patience. :)

Guilt

Oh my goodness. I didn't know that I've spent so much money on accessing the internet through phone!
Sorry Mom. Although I didn't say it out, I really feel so very sorry about this. :(
Ishh. Carmen, for God's sake. Please spend well on useful things or matter.
I'll go back to Beruas as soon as possible. This will definitely help to save money and cut down some expenditure. Gosh. I'm down, down, down at the moment!
Couldn't forgive myself when Mom didn't blame me but 'advised' me not to use phone for Facebook-ing!
Ugh. Feeling better to put the guilt into words here.
But still, SORRY. ;(

Words can't express...

This is it. A friendship of decade. Longer than that. It's time to give an award for the two of us. 

And thanks for the sisters who contributed the idea of doing this. LOVE ;)

理智

Dear CARMEN,


女生的理智是可以盖过一切的。
请在对的时间做对的事，不然就等着错过吧！
当她找回理性，就算不舍，都已经挽回不了了。
天时地利人和，真的缺一不可。
现在未陷太深，趁早抽离这个角色。
好吧，一切到此为止？






P/S: 说得容易。 LOL

Scoliosis

Surprising? This is my spine.

This is what they call SCOLIOSIS. I can still remember it clearly. When I went for spinal body check in the Spine & Posture Chiropractic Center.
X-rays. The results were unbelievable. I stared at them with my eyes and mouth opened, holding my breath. It was the most shocking news to me and my parents. The doctor's face seemed like telling me: ' I'm so sorry. But you have to face it. And you must.'
You can't imagine how does my spine look like. Abnormal curves, from every side.
I stood rooted to the ground. Tears welled up my eyes. I didn't have eye-contact with anyone. As I didn't want any of them to notice that I was crying, especially my parents.
I wondered why and how come my spine curved like 'S' or 'C' shape. The causes are unknown.
It may be an accident which I hurt my spine. But I didn't realize. Or vigorous exercises. Or stress. Or bad posture.
Or the culprit may be the nurse who didn't take good care of me when I was born. Any reason you can think of.
I started the scoliosis treatment which cost me a fortune. Rm 6000++ for a year.
Well. It was effective during the first three months. But then the hectic life stopped me from doing the home-kit that helped to maintain a good shape of my backbone. Time was reserved by the studies. Examinations. Everything kept me busy and tired. Laziness came and gradually I gave up on the home-kit.
I didn't continue going for the treatment after completed a year-packed of appointments. Couldn't afford another Rm 6000++. And I've learnt to ignore these. Ignore the numbness. And sometimes ignore the pain.
So guess what happened to my S-shaped spine? It bent back into the original. And I know what's going on with my body. I mean, my spine. I feel that it's becoming worse. And yes. I've wasted the six thousands bucks for nothing. NOTHING. Sorry Dad and Mom. Apologies for burning your hard earned money into ashes.

Dad and Mom, Please forgive me. God, Please have mercy on me. And have mercy on my good friend. She's brave enough. And she deserves a better life. God bless her. :)

Decision

This is hard. How can an indecisive person make the biggest decision which affects her future later?
Lol. I've been making all the decisions since I was small. Me. Alone.
What's the big deal? Sometimes, I hate this. My parents are giving me too much freedom.
And I know most of the teenagers want their freedom so badly. But I don't.
Dad and Mom seldom have discussions with me. They work. Especially my mom. She always remembers the stuff of her work, and forgets about me. That's sad.
I honestly felt down these days. About scholarships.
When I got to the scholarships interviews, it was so obvious that I was doing everything on my own.
My parents didn't accompany me to those interviews. Who did? My uncle and aunt.
Tell you what. They were more excited than my own parents when they knew I stood a chance for those scholarships. They brought me to get some formal attire. Discussed how to perform well during the interviews.
Asked about what I want in the future. My aunt explained about the different prospects of professions. Loads of things...
But my parents weren't involved in all of the occasions above. How disappointing... I need a shoulder to lean on now. Hate crying. ;(
My purpose of moving to JB was to be with Dad and Mom. Because they left me with my grandma in hometown since like forever. I wanted to spend quality time with them. And I realized I was wrong. It's like I've been living alone these years in a different place. We are a family. But we don't live like a family. Ironic. Lol.
So I asked advices. Mostly from friends. Not my parents. And I still can't make up my mind.
I don't know what I want exactly. People tell you to go for what you love. 'Remember, not about money.' The reality is cruel. If you already have money, of course you don't have to think about that. You can do anything you want to. My worry now is not about money though.
I doubt about my ability. Doctors. Before you becoming one of them, ask yourself. Do you have the perseverance? I keep asking myself. Lol. I don't know. Do I? And I wonder what kind of lifestyle I want to live next time. I don't wanna be that busy. I want to get married in time and have kids before I become an old lady. That's a woman's greatest career in her lifetime. Haha. I wish I could be a psychiatrist. So I must undergo medicine studies before doing that. And now. There's another choice for me. A teacher or lecturer. Gosh. Big difference. A teacher's life is relaxing. Shit. I love to relax. Oh man, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T MAKE THE DECISION! I don't wanna regret for this after choosing the path to go. Fingers crossed. Please, God bless me.

The remarkable month

Ever since Form One, I left my home.
Five years later, I came back for a honeymoon after I graduated.
Just let me tell you those crazy and yet enjoyable events during these days... :)
Waterfall- With a gang of friends, I went up there and had fun relaxingly.
Bike- No worries, my friends fetched me all the time. Well, I did ride by my own a few times, and I was good in skills.
Baking- Cakes! I got the recipe from my aunt and then tried it with friends. In fact, this idea was to help a boy preparing a surprise for his girlfriend. I guessed it was a success!
Cooking- The boy was a good cook. We cooked some noodles and dumplings... The processes were quite fun.
Chatting- I knew a lot of secrets. I loved to talk with friends, as I could always discover something behind those secrets.
Mahjong- To prevent Alzheimer's disease :D
Beer & Red wine- That was awesome! I learned to drink beer :) Of course, I'd prefer red wine. Honestly, I was not drunk easily... I'm proud of this :)
Fireworks- They were beautiful like I couldn't take my eyes off! The sparkles were eye-blinding. Too sad that they disappeared so quickly like lightning...
Fishing- It needed patience instead of a rod. My friends didn't use a rod to fish, and this surprised me! They got some sticks, and mixed the ginger powder with flour as the bait. How clever! I loved them!
And finally...
Dancing- One of my friends danced skillfully. I called it 'exercising skills' :) Another one danced like an uncle, I couldn't stop laughing at him! I was glad that they complimented that my dancing was special. I wondered if it was true :D
After this month, everyone was going to leave home like what I did five years ago. I was upset about this. Why? Because I was scared that we couldn't meet up again. I didn't like to lose friends, anyone of them! 
What I did hope was, we could see each other next Chinese New Year, and each of us must attend the gathering just like these few years...
Take care, my old friends!

Love to Cry

Let the tears stream down your face...

I love to cry.
I cry when I'm happy or sad...
Honestly, I wonder as if the name (汤嘉雯-there are so much water) given by my parents affects me.
Till today, I don't know this is a good thing or not...
It makes my eyes always well up with tears and blur my vision.
I look like so fragile and not strong enough to face problems.
In another way round, crying is the way I release stress and wash away frustrations.
So, what do you think? Should I try not to cry next time, when I get something touching or sad?
I don't know... I'll just choose to follow my heart.
When I want to cry,  I'll cry.
When I don't,  then I'll try my best to swallow back the tears...

Crazy moments

Last night was quite unforgettable.
Playing mahjong with friends was a 'warmy' event.
After that, we got out of my cousin's house and ready to get some special drinks.
What so special? Coconuts. Fresh coconuts.
There was a short coconut tree in front of the house. No one owned it, I guessed.
One of us took out a knife from the kitchen.
The boys plucked some coconuts and then we enjoyed the good drinks :)
I had not tried such fresh coconuts before. That was crazy, at least to me. But I really had fun at that very late time.
Then we went to my aunt's house. Chatting with them was relaxing... We talked so much that it was out of my expectation!
What I realized was they were all good kids with a kind heart :)
God bless them, please help them back on the right way of life...

Aging

Just now, my aunt and I accompanied grandfather to the clinic for a body check-up.
I suddenly realized how hard it was to take care of an old people.
Grandfather got stroke last year.
Grandma had lost a lot of pounds taking care of him...
How heart-aching...
It seemed like the one who took care of someone suffered much more than the one who was taken care of.
My aunt and I were frustrated to see grandpa's attitude. He was lazy to put effort on walking and other movements.
He was not willing to use his own energy to make himself healthier.
I wondered this was because he was already tried his best or just wanted to depend on grandma in the rest of his life.
Becoming old is natural... but would there be someone around you, taking care of you willingly when you are sick?
To be honest,
I... I don't wanna be alone when I become an old woman...

Carmen's Diary

Here's somewhere to write to myself.
With words and pictures and musics, maybe...
I may not update this everyday of my life, just once a while.
But hopefully, I can put all my feelings whenever I want to...
whether it's something happy, sad, boring, interesting or exciting :)
So Carmen, let's get started!